Hello peeps~!

Today I had a party what each Estonian basic school has, that every 9th graders dress themselves into the outfit like they were going to the first grade again, my mom made me a skirt and I wore it there today, the first lesson was with my really first teacher I had and they were reminding the schoolyear when we were little kids.  Then after that lesson we went to the public ceremony, then 1st graders gave us candies and then took us into the hall.

 The first graders performed to us and then eight graders were giving a speech to us and then they gave us a present and also performed to us with their own made song and it made most of my classmates and my teacher to cry, it was really emotional, but I guess I was the only one who didn't cry (?) then our last schoolbell ringed here. And then it began, water war with waterballoons and waterguns, I didn't take a part of this because I have catch a cold and I'm coughing my lungs out, trying to not get sick cause I have exams coming up!

Thank you, come again!

-Kachee Cha

Hello people!

 It have been pretty calm weekend for me, but on friday I happened to go out of a control and suffered in my bad habits and thoughts, but then I took up my notebook and wrote for million billion times: "It's okay, I'm happy" - and it helped me to get better, all the bad thoughts were gone immediately. But I also can find a reason to it cause I quited my week for my guitarlessons cause UGHH I felt so anxious when I was near to go to the lesson, I just couldn't go, WHY THE FUCK AM I AFRAID OF MY GUITARTEACHER JUST STAPH KACHEE!!! Ugh it makes me so mad and I haven't practised the guitar for I don't know how long, I need to take it up again and seriously!

 On Saturday I was forced to get up and we were on our way to the fair, we looked around in there and I found lots of inspiration for my jewelry business, there were a lots of jewelries I'd like to create too, my eyes rested the whole time and got some new ideas~ I walked the long way that my legs are so weak and hurt, my grandma was afraid that I wont walk til' today, cause I walked the whole time and I didnt want to rest when my grandma really was worried that I need to rest and I breath fast, but no I pushed it away actually.

 Then in the afternoon my dad took me to the beach to have a photoshoot, it was really pretty then outside. I went there with my sister and my dad and we had so much fun while walking there, ate some gummycandies and I enjoyed the walk. I also met an old Japanese man who smiled at me widely and nodded to me which I answered the same to him, I was so happy then! I told it to my mom and my grandma they told me that why didnt I take a picture with him, I then was like fuck ofc we could make a picture but I also thought to greet him in Japanese but I was too late haha, my reaction is too slow *sighs* cause of my disease too.

 Well I have to work hard now, I'm having a last week at school and then the exams are running inside from the door, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS SATAN! I also have some kind of a party on Friday which every 9th graders have in each year in Estonian basic schools that pupils dress themselves into the outfit like they are going to first grade and also waterballoons and waterguns are the most importnant in this event that's the part of this party, girls puts their hair into two ponytails with a bow and wears kneesocks, skirts or dresses depends on their closets xD I just mention that everyone needs to dress like 4-9 years old. Well I happened to listen to Kent's new album and trying to study for my chemistry test and then force myself to practise the guitar.

Thank you, come again!

Kachee Cha

Hello!

These few days have been the worst so far, my grades are not the best and i have been away from school to much. So this wednesday did i have a meeting with my teacher and dad and two others. They asked why i was not at school and i started to cry telling im not doing well. So they told my dad to take me to the hospital, we got there and they told us im to young and that we should go to BUP instead. So we did and i got help after 5 min and got to talk to someone, im going back there 30/5. But i got to go to the health care center yesterday, and the doctor was really nice and kind. He did some test and told me that i need help and that this is not good, he said that he can only help me with medecine and that they cant give a psycologist that easily that they wish they can. i have trouble with sleeping so he gave me sleeping pills, he said he will tell BUP the results and that he will meet me again doing more tests. He did not want to start a treatment and give me medicine yet until he knows what the other thinks. So i dont know what to think about all this :p But im going back there again on monday, but to take other tests. Like blood test etc ;-; I hate needles but yeah, i hope and think it will be fine. And if you guys wonder why i was there is it beacuse i have been to strong, since 7th grade and now im 17 and are in the 2nd grade of high school. The doctor said i have anxiety and that i might have depression. So im not doing good ;-; But i will get better soon i hope <3 I have my amazing girlfriend who are there for me :) 

But now i will sleep so see ya in the next post, bye <3 

//Jon-chan

 If the time comes when people are pushing you down, making you realise that the real you is not the good thing to exist somewhere, that you're the only unnecessary human being in this world. So you just give your best to change yourself to someone who you're actually not to just belong somewhere. Then trust me, you're wasting your time. You're just taking your time to focus of being someone another, someone who has some more experience, someone who is just cool, someone who has a really awesome style and a really handsome lifestyle. When you've gone through all these steps in your life then look at yourself later in the mirror and think carefully:

• What can you see?

• Do you know who is standing infront of the mirror? • Do you even know what have you gone through?

• Was it the right thing to solve your life problem? When it wasn't - How could you do it better? Being inspirated of people's fashion, lifestyle, attitude - everything what touches about themselves, is never disallowed, but is it good to make it as an overdose for yourself just to destroy the person inside you who you actually are? I am really honest now and explain everything clearly: I'm pretty sure you would soon sitting in the corner being upset and your mind is filled up with regreting thoughts like: "Why I did it? I made everything worse? I can't feel like myself. I don't believe that it is the real me!" - just do not take everything too seriously, to not destroy the real you. Importnant its just to trust yourself, listen to your own thoughts and just be who you are. Just stop living on the other's back and do not try everything what everyone does cause you just lose yourself and you're ending up in just a mess world which is full of confusing decisions! Do not listen to the others what they thinks about you, its not pointing to the progress that its time to change yourself. You know what you are doing, you know who you are, you know what you are wearing and you know how you attitude. Just be yourself and never let everyone to let you drown. You know that you are different and you know you are worth to do whatever you wish for and to go on with. 

Thank you, come again!

 Kachee Cha

 Hay peeps~!

It's starting to get serious I had a test exam in Estonian and I guess it turned out fine? I heard that they would tell the results after we have solved the actual exam... well that's creeping me out, got some papers at math about what excercises are going to be in my exam and I got into a panic and my eyes were getting wet, like I was scared that I won't pass my math exam...

 In the weekend I edited a video the whole day which took actually 5 hours and 2 rendering times, that was the pain in the ass tbh. I was presentating with that video and the results were fantastic, I got it A+ and I'm really happy, my classmate got jealous and he asked teacher to make one too, my teacher was like: "the topic is over no you can't" - haha.

 I have only one week left at school and then the stressful exam-week will follow, well as you can see math exam is making me really nervous... I have a choose-exam too so I chose English, so it's not that bad but I have to take the grammar seriously and study it a bit to get the best grade!

 I was thinking to do some kind of "challenge" into this blog like I'm going to write about my relationship and what is my opinion, if it's okay I can do so. 

Thank you, come again!

Kachee Cha

Hello everyone!

I did just come out from the shower, im back at school now. I live at school from sundays to fridays, i study in Gamleby and live in Linköping. To far away to go home everyday so i live at school, i have my own room. It´s lonely but i like it, i dont wanna share a room with anyone XD Expept Kätlin ofc ;) I have everyone i need in my room, tea, food, a fridge, tv and more^^

But this friday did a guy start to talk at me in school, he seemd to be nice and we talked, and he is my friends boyfriend. And when i got home that day he started to talk with me at facebook, and now he wants to be together with me 0.0 First of all, i have only talked with him that day and im already together with Kätlin. But he does not seem to get that *sighs* I dont know what to do.....

I have tryed to talk to him telling im already taken but he wants us three to be together, i dont want that. And i dont wanna be unfaithful against my dear Kätlin or his girlfriend. He dont want me to tell this to his girlfriend :/ But i think i will do that tomorow, i mean.....this feels wrong. Not only to me and Kätlin but his girlfriend aswell. Have this happen to you before? If so, then please tell me in the comments what you did. This feel so bad and wrong :( 

But now i will drink some tea and talk to Kätlin, so see ya in the next post.  

Bye!

//Jon-chan

Bye!

The day have been fine to me this time cause other these dates haven't been a friend to me, but today it was something special. I didn't think anything bad, i was positive all the time and I smiled all day, this is also strange to me cause I have never been positive either smiled for a year.

 But I was a bit anxious, but that was okay cause this is normal, I always feel a nerve before going to guitarlesson and it just makes me anxious, it makes me hard to breath and I run to the bathroom several times to calm down, so lets not count this in that date cause it happens literally everyday, why do I behave like this? Its cause of this I'm kinda afraid of my guitarteacher, I don't know either, I just am and that's so ridiculous and I'm also scared to make mistakes infront of him while I'm playing the guitar.

 What suprised me today was that my guitarteacher called me as my nickname that was the biggest bomb into my day, like DAYYUM! I've been listening to All Time Low all day and held my tears back while listening the song called "Theraphy" - My guitarteacher taught me this song in October and I almost knew about this band, in this time I was really depressed and tired of everything and this song put a meaning into my soul that it hurts to listen to it atm. I actually have listened to this band the whole week and I'm so in love already! I also learnt something new today at the guitarlesson!

 The day have been so silence and calm, I enjoyed it, I loved that kind of happiness and silence, I'd like to smell it for years! I also wrote a letter to my Swedish friend about the meaning of life and about all the positivity how to keep up and move on with her life that she is amazing as the way she is and she is always perfect to me, I wrote it cause I felt so and I knew she deserved some love~

Thank you, come again~!

- Kachee Cha

I'm not usually checking my facebook really often but today I happened to scroll until my eyes stopped at the group picture post and It was a picture from a snapchat where a guy cutted himself and there was a message that he couldnt keep his promises, theres one thing what makes me mad and confused: Why do you need to post that picture somewhere? Why are you doing this because you just want to catch an attention from someone?

 In my opinion its the biggest mistake to do, I know that you need to get an attention when you are really stressed about life and you just write to someone how bad and cruel your life is and you just want to die and you just log off for entire day to make your friend worried, its wrong!

 I know I also did this mistake once before and I felt really embarrassed, I was really depressed then and I wrote a "goodbye letter" or how to call it -to my swedish friend and to my girlfriend and then I disappear then later it got to my uncle and my mom and everyone laughed at me. 

 There's one thing to NOT write anything stupid even if you dont mean it seriously, stop playing with other's feelings, it hurts you and others, it affects your friendships, never live through this mistake, you know it isint right, you can see that there is someone who really cares about you! You dont see it cause you are depressed and fallen into the black hole, but open your eyes and stand up then you can see what reality really looks like! 

 Take care, don't self-harm, don't post pictures of your hand full of cuts and scars, you don't deserve it! Cause later when you are grown up and you are atleast forgetting your past and pain but then when you see your scars you start to regret that why you did it and the old scars will bring you back to the past. Believe me, self-harming isint solution, those who are self-harming are really weak but you are not weak, arent you? You're strong, arent you?

 Keep your head up and keep on fighting! You are beautiful, you are loved! You have someone who loves you and who makes your day more brighter!

- Kachee Cha